How not to pick up a girl.

While at a bar with some guy friends the other night, one eyed a “fat chick” and considered dancing with her for the sole purpose of impressing her hot friend. His logic was that the hot friend would think his gesture was sweet, and in turn, throw herself at the guy. (And guys say we’re the ones that play games).

This guy asked for my opinion before making his move. While I had the urge to smack him over the head because of his foolishness, I refrained and told him that this would probably not sway my decision. In truth, I might be turned off to the fact I thought he was interested in my friend, and that he didn’t have the confidence to pursue me. Also, referring to my hypothetical friend as the “fat chick” probably wouldn’t help his efforts. Needless to say, the guy did not make any attempt with either lady.

I thought about all the ineffective attempts guys have made with impressing or picking up either my friends or myself. Last weekend within a millisecond of entering a bar, a desperate male tried to pick up three of us girls at one time. “Oh I have to buy shots for all you lovely ladies.” Maybe he thought he could get three for the price of one, but it didn’t work; we denied his impulsive offer. In the same night, I also found myself a victim of one of the lamest attempts at pursuing a girl. The guy tried to swoon me with his knowledge in music, while often impressive, it does not always work—especially when you don’t know what you’re talking about. The conversation went something like this:

Dude: “This song is definitely by that guy that sings ‘We’ve Got The Funk.’”
Me: “You mean George Clinton?”
Dude: “Yea that guy.”
Me: “No, this is definitely Prince.”
Dude: “No, I don’t think so. But how about if you’re right, you have to buy me a drink.”
Me: “What? Um, that’s not even a fair bet.”
The consensus from the crowd: Prince.
And the dude walks away in shame without putting up a fight for a free drink.

It amazes me what guys will actually do to get a girl’s attention. They think one cheesy sentence to get her attention, and they’re in. My favorite corny pickup line ever used on me was a guy poetically quoting rapper Nelly, “It’s getting hot in here, [want to take] off all your clothes?”

A line that was actually used on a friend, “Do you have a boyfriend?” (No) “Can I be yours?” also failed miserably.

Then there’s the guys that honk their horn or shout from their moving car, as if we’re going to flag them down and say, “WAIT! Slow down stud, you forget to get my number!” And of course, there’s the whistle, the “woooo ooo” and the “hey baby/hottie/beautiful.” Not only are they unoriginal, but also make a guy look like a complete scumbag. A simple hello, a comment on something she’s wearing, anything seemingly genuine usually works much better.

While myself and many other females will often not hesitate to talk to a guy that they are eyeing, I must admit that we have it easy. We are the ones who get noticed, who are approached, and can turn down any attempt a guy makes. We can accept or decline an offer for a drink. We can refuse to give out a phone number. Unless you live in a place like Newcastle, England, where the women are on the ones on the prowl, snatching up any guy they want through the course of an evening, chances are that a female can stand by the bar and wait for a suitor to approach her. And that’s just another reason why I love being a girl.

Girls love clothes.

It took me literally over an hour to fold and put away all my laundry last night. Yes, I hadn’t done laundry in weeks, but that just didn’t seem normal to me. My coworker, Sara, blamed it on the fact that I’m from Long Island. I blame it on the shear fact that I’m a girl.

My friend Alan agreed, saying that, indeed, the reason I own so many clothes is because I’m a girl. He asked me how long I could possibly go without needing to wash any of my clothing. My response: over a month. This shocked him. It also surprised him that I could probably go a month without repeating an outfit. While Alan isn’t one who cares about the latest fashion trends, he is a typical guy.

The typical guy rotates through a few shirts, a few pants, some for dressy occasions, some for casual. He usually owns a pair of everyday shoes, some athletic shoes, and probably around two pairs of dress shoes—one black and one brown. He generally sticks to neutral colors throughout his wardrobe such as blacks, browns, blues, grays, greens, and sometimes a surprise splash of color added to one of these neutrals.

Of course there are exceptions with males, like my father who has polo shirts in every color Ralph Lauren ever made, more button-down shirts than he even knows he has (seriously, I went through his closet and showed him), and a closet specifically designated for shoes. Then, there’s also my friend Evan, who’s known to only wear his uniform of a blue button-down shirts and khaki pants. He deemed this suitable for every occasion, until his ex intervened and introduced him to jeans.

Female fashions are a bit trickier. The typical girl must have a shirt, a pant, a skirt, a dress, a shoe for every occasion. Plus the color possibilities are endless and therefore coordinating becomes more complicated.

I can’t tell you how many times I have gotten ready with girl friends who have agonized over which shoes to wear. I always told them, guys could care less about what’s on your feet. They’ll be too busy looking at other things. To my surprise, I recently had a (straight) guy ogle a pair of cowboy boots I was wearing. In addition, many guys have been vocal about last year’s (and unfortunately trickling into this year) UGG boot trend. Guys do seem to notice, though that is not the real reason why there are 5239502 pairs of shoes in each of our closets, it’s because we need them to match each outfit.

Jeans are easy to coordinate with, yet I own over 15 pairs of jeans, believe it or not. While you may say, but a pair of jeans is a pair of jeans, I could probably justify a reason for owning each (aside from the fact that instead of dress pants, I’m lucky enough to wear jeans to work on a daily basis). You see, there are jeans that are meant to wear with specific pairs of shoes, based on where the hemline falls, i.e., “the sneaker jeans,” “the tall boots jeans,” “the jeans to tuck into boots jeans.” Of course, there are jeans that are dressier than others, and there are the jeans that make your butt look so good in. For guys, they can get away with wearing the same pair of jeans three days in a row, and no one would say a thing—until they started to smell.

Maybe I’m just justifying why I had three overstuffed laundry hampers last night. Maybe my clothes-horse ways were just inherited by my atypical fashion-conscious father, who filled more than 4 closets in his house solely with his clothing. I think I can speak for most girls when I say that there’s more to a girl getting dressed in the morning than picking out the cleanest shirt in the closet. We put thought into our outfits. We may try on eight combinations before we settle on what we walk out the door with. Like Alan said, it’s what we do, because we’re girls.

It’s expensive being a girl.

“I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they're the first to be rescued off sinking ships” –Gilda Radner


The other day I found myself ordering $40 worth of sale items from Victorias Secret. How could a few little pieces of cotton cut into what look like scraps on a sewing room floor cost more than what I spend weekly at the grocery store? It got me thinking; I wonder how much more us females actually spend than men. Sure, we have an innate love for spending money as a sex. However, I’m not talking about splurging on a new pair of cute heels…I’m talking about just to live on a daily basis. Things like feminine hygiene and simply making ourselves presentable to the world come at a price. Men can open up a pack of $10 Hanes underwear from WalMart, and we still will swoon over them. Have you seen cheap women’s underwear, let alone from a package? Exactly.

Men stick to what they know. A bar of soap goes a long way to them. Women, however, need a special “cleanser,” not soap, for their faces. We opt for “body wash” to clean ourselves in the shower. We choose based on “oily skin,” “dry skin,” “combination skin.” Unless a man has a sister, it’s unlikely for him to know any sort of formula to choosing a product for his skin. To men, soap is soap, gel is gel, a comb is a comb. You’ll never find a man standing in CVS comparing which hairbrush is right for their hairstyle. Could you actually picture some guy spending ten minutes in the store, pondering, “well this round brush is good for when I blow-dry my hair straight, but this one has the boar bristles. Hmm, which to buy?” No, a man grabs one of those plastic combs that cost $1 at most, since that’s what the photographer used for every yearbook photo taken from elementary school until college. It’s what they know.

And of course, living in New York City, everything is astronomically more expensive. There should be warning signs on every pharmacy/cosmetic store: Warning, you are about to pay at least $1 more for every item you purchase. It’s like an unwritten tax law.

So based on my thoughts, I came up with a list of items that females often spend per month or so, which probably would never occur to a man. So next time a man complains that he’s spending a lot of money on one lady, show him this list so he can see what it takes to be a girl.


Extra costs being a girl (per capita/monthly)*:

Sanitary products ~ $10
Mascara ~ $6
Powder/Coverup ~ $10-20
Blush/Bronzer ~ $10-20
Lip Gloss ~ $5 – 20
Pantyhose ~ $6
Hair cut ~ $20-60
Hair color/highlights/other hair treatments ~ $80-$120
Eye make-up remover ~ $5
Face wash ~ $5-10
Lotion ~ $5-10
Bikini wax ~ $20
Manicure ~ $10-40
Kleenex ~ just kidding.

=$182~355

*Please note that these are rough estimates. Some of these expenses are based on other females’ experiences, and of course many of us females often opt for a bargain, DIY, or none at all.

If being a woman is more expensive, shouldn’t we be able to write off some of our items come tax season, just for being female? (Side note – did you know a man can be covered for Viagra, but insurance companies often laugh at women who wish to be covered from birth control, claiming it is not necessary)? Though, sadly, this could never happen since it is expected of women to make these purchases—to doll herself up. But I guess that’s part of being a girl.